joia

AH! I was going to ask when fathers day was.. shoot.. WELL! Happy Fathers day papi!! Youre awesome and miss you!! Thank you for being such an amazing father! I hope you can forgive me for not being as appreciative of this as I shouldve been! I honestly love and miss you so much! I hope you had a fantastic day!

Ok then, how to describe this week.. hm... Não sei..
Well first I´d like to shout out a disclaimer:
Last week I was SO emotional- for who knows why. I mailed out a couple letters, and by the time any one receives them, my mindset will be entirely different- SO! I guess I´m learning day by day that the mission, among a million other things- is an emotional rollar coaster! Really, it´s a very emotional experience, and I´ve never really been good at handling emotion- but I´m learning. That´s the beauty of it.

My next disclaimer-friendsss: I need to be able to write everyone here. *with your email address mom* But its SO hard for me because there are things that I can´t tell everyone, you know? I´m praying to know how to resolve this without breaking any rules, but nothing so far is coming to light. But the fact of the matter is, I can´t email friends. only family. SO! For the time being- as uncomfortable as it may be sometimes- to email friends, it has to be here.
[so to help me, if you could just copy and paste the "becky/meg" sections and email it to them- not post it on the blog. In reality I dont know what is going on the blog and not, but just so you know, the bracketed things for specific people- you included- shouldnt go on the blog. Thanks a billion! I love your guts! oh hey, cool thing for you, hymn number 7- in portuguese, sorry I dont remember what it is in english- you can sing the lyrics to that hymn to the melody of come thou fount! Try it! its amazing!]

so this week has been good! Crazy! but good! Oh, I have a story:
K, every day we eat lunch (lunch here is the "big" meal, not dinner.) with a member at their house. Everyday its rice, beans, some form of meat, and sometimes salad. Sometimes it varies slightly, or there is another thing to eat- but thats really my lunch in a nutshell-
For a while I was eating the meat, but if I didn´t have to- like if I was in a home where the hostess didn´t eat with us (which happens surprisingly a lot) or if they seemed like the type that didnt care, then I´d skip the meat. Well the other night Antonia (our landlady and neighbor) made us some meatloaf and rice. So I ate it. and I was sooooooooo sick after. So I re-anylized my ability to eat meat. So the next day at lunch I didn´t eat the meat. And the hostess, Ana paula- seemed like the type that wouldnt care! Apparently I was wrong. She asked why I didn´t take any meat, and EVERYONE all at once explained that I have an "allergy" to meat- which Im actually finding is more and more true- and she had this MAD look on her face, grabbed some money and ran out the door. I was terrified. I decided to ALWAYS eat the meat even if I get sick! She came back with some beans for me. I TRIED to tell her a MILLION times that it wasn´t necessary, but in my broken portuguese... she didn´t care. She understood, but bought it anyway. So the NEXT day I ate the meat. It was good too! It was this amazing eggplant/ham lasagna and a crepe like pancake with some kind of meat in the middle.
And I was soooooooooooooooo sick after. SO. I´ve prayed and prayed- and come to 2 conclusions about my eating habits: its not a sin to not eat meat sometimes! I can say no to the meat. I seriously, as a health reason, just can´t eat it.
2nd: Its not a crime to eat sugar either. This past week I fasted sugar (besides desserts at lunch, because I really didn´t want to cause too much drama refusing the meat AND the dessert.. and I love sugar.. but mostly to not offend anyone..XD) And my body went CRAZY! I LOVE SUGAR! But I need to find a balance. This is an ongoing battle for me, battling the balance of healthy living. Bah. But as long as I remember that my vision of everything in this life isn´t complete. SO. yeah. Trusting the Lord to help me figure myself out- in EVERYWAY. One thing that I learned while on this adventure is this:

Its been said that one must lose themselves in the work of the Lord to find themselves. Before now, I never really realized what a scary thought that is. LOSING oneself is a terrifying experience! But I´m finding that the things I thought defined me, aren´t a part of me at all. And I have to take that leap of faith out of my comfort zone, and into the darkness of the unknown- TO find the light that will illuminate who I actually am. But Its the momentary darkness that I´m struggling with. As of yet, I don´t think I´ve really "lost" myself. I´m not "in" the darkness yet. I´m standing at the mouth of the cave trying to find a way through without going THROUGH..
Its rough. But I´m praying for strength. Its kind of astounding how I find myself spiriling deeper and deeper inside myself, and finding all the things I need to change and get rid of about myself. All at once. Fixing myself of all my flaws is a daunting task. And there it is again- lose myself to find myself. There is a reason Christ is called the light of the world. He lights the way in the dark cavern of confusion that is my doubts and fears. I know that with Him I can become the person I need to be- but I am just NOT there yet. But with Him I will be. I am exhausted in everyway. But I´m finding that my limits are when I DECIDE to 'give up". Its interesting, today I was pondering about this, and I realized that probably everytime I think Ive reached my limits- I stop either emotionally or physically- not because I actually HAD to. Not because I actually couldnt go any more,but because I decided that was my stopping point. Wow! How much more rich could every persons life be if we never decided to stop prematurely! The satisfaction of doing ALL that we could in EVERYTHING would be indescribable! Serving with all my heart, might, mind and strength has found new meaning in my life.
This last sunday there was a conference for all the stakes in brasil (I think. something like that) and Pres. Eyring, Elder Richard G. Scott, and Mary N.Cook spoke to us via satellite. It was amazing! I only wish I spoke more portuguese so I couldve understood it more fully! I dont have my notes with me, so I don´t really know how to tell you what they said, but overall they said something to the effect of:
Budget time wisely- it is essential to be able to budget time effectively to be successful in this life.
Also- cherish family! Take time to know and love them!

and lots more that I just can´t remember. It was very cool though. Rafaela came with us, and the night before she had expressed her doubts about whether the Apostles were actually apostles of Jesus Christ. I LOVE THE HOLY GHOST!!!! Yeah, it finished, she stood up and said "yup, those are real apostles." She was crying all through Pres. Eyrings testimony. AWESOME!! We are working with a lot of cool people right now. Jessica, Daiane, Ana Paula (not the member who bought me beans..), Jose and his family (ARE awesome! and so hard! they ask a lot of deep doctrine questions and I´m pretty sure jose himself is trying to convert us,but everyone else is really attentive an interesting in learning about our message.. actually I think Jose was baptized like 40 years ago.. ??) and various others that are a bit wishy-washy (Ricardo, Arieli, Lucia, Juliana, Camilla, etc). All in all! I´m working hard to express what needs to be expressed. ITS SO HARD!!! AH! I feel like I´m regressing in portuguese some days. Most of the time I finally get a thought out, and I feel relieved because I did it portuguese!!!! And then realize that they didn´t understand me at all. BUT! Yesterday I was gently reminded of the Lord´s response when Moses had a similar complaint upon being asked to preach the gospel. SO! My goal this week is to OPEN MY MOUTH more! Even if they don´t understand. Bah. I´m every emotion. But that most definitely includes happy!

[Mom! How are ya? I have some FHE ideas for you:
Have everyone list every person they know. Every single one. Then ask how many of them in the last week you have shared the gospel- even if theyre members, a spiritual thought counts!- with. Share the gospel!
Also, List the 10 commandments and go through and anylize how you can live EACH one a little better. I kinda skimmed over the 10 commandments growing up (studywise) because it was assumed that "everyone knows them" so It was assumed that everyone was already living them= but in reality we as members of the church need to continually analyze how we can better live the principles of the gospel, and the most definitly includes the 10 commandments. Woot!
só isso.]

Oh one more thought for everyone:

True freedom is knowing how to govern oneself.
Soak that in. soooooooooooooooooak it all in..

Also, Michael, what did YOU listen to on your mission? Where is all your mission music?? Oh and marin too!! Guess what, learning portuguese is like playing mow. Did I already tell you that? hey marin, did you know I havent cut my hair since you last did? I´m trying to be like your sister.. we´ll see how long that lasts..
KLOVEYOUBYE